SSL - Secret Single Lifestyle

I’ve been holding off writing about Secret Single Behaviours (SSB’s circa Sex and the City) because I wasn't able to pinpoint what mine was. But it’s become scarily apparent; I don’t have a secret single behaviour,  I have a secret single lifestyle.

The elements that, cumulatively, create my Secret Single Lifestyle hit me when I was in my car, rubbing my 5-day old leg hair and singing along to "bad" music (also known as 90’s One-Hit-Wonders). I asked myself, is this normal? 
When I got home, I put on my tattered silk robe and began writing a list of my SSL traits:

- staying in a horizontal position

- eating in bed

- watching the same movie 3 or 4 times in a row

- spending 2 hours giving myself a mani/pedi

- triming my split ends 

- talking to my dog 

- taking 20-30 selfies a night 

- pigging out 

It’s no secret that I haven’t had a boyfriend, except a long distance one. That has left plenty of time to develop SSB’s, and since moving out, they've multiplied! 

What you see isn't always what you get.

No wonder I always feel uncomfortable in public… wearing clothes, listening to music (not singing), eating and socializing in an upright position (I prefer horizontal activities *cough* slut).

It’s not just me. Why do you think we’re all so weird when we first start dating someone? We're forced to realize that the things we do alone are actually completely disgusting, annoying, and not socially acceptable. When you see your new lover giving you the stink-eye – it might be because you actually stink, and your SSB of not showering for 3 days is noticeable.

I’ve experienced quite a few SSBs. They range from picking at their toes, burping/farting whenever needed, coming out of the bathroom while flossing (plaque everywhere), popping/picking at pimples, taking up the entire bed, watching porn to get to sleep, chewing with their mouth open, and the list goes on and on. 

I'm sure you have some SSB's of your own. Even if you're not single, you still long to do these things when they leave the house. 

- Eating mayonnaise with a spoon?

- Listening to your favourite Nickleback song?

- Letting out something you've been holding in? See Sleep Farts.

So what happens to your SSBs when you finally find yourself in a relationship?

1. You'll lose them out of necessity, finding SCBs (Secret Couple Behaviours - maybe you both like eating in bed...)

2. Someone, somewhere, will find them endearing (I wore my shower cap in the shower - even when sharing it. He either found it endearing or kept his eyes on the prize...)

3. You wait it out - they won't always be right next to you. Saviour something you hated when you were single - being completely and utterable alone.

I'd love to do a follow up to this post with all of your anonymous secret single behaviours - Email me!

-georgeelizabeth

Twitter: @georgeelizabeth

Facebook: /theundoesticated

Instagram: @georgeelizabeth

How To Stop Sleep Farts

We've all done it. It's like an alarm clock we didn't set. We fart in our sleep and it wakes us up. If there's someone in the bed with us, we lay silently to see if they woke up too. We lay so still we start to sweat. Did their breathing change, does it smell, are they awake?!

I've had a legitimate fear of sleep farting since I was young. My sister said she walked past my bedroom one night and it sounded like an automatic rifle going off. Older sisters are great aren't they? She's also the reason I don't eat fruit cups. In elementary school I was afraid my fruit cup expired so before I ate it she put salt in it. Worst taste/experience of my life, and she didn't tell me for 10 years. That's 10 years of chemicallized fruit I've missed out on. Anyway, she not only told me that I fart in my sleep, and compared it to warfare, but she also told anyone that would listen. My parents, my friends, her friends, relatives, and quite possibly strangers if the opportunity presented itself. 

Now, I didn't share my bed with a guy for a long time. I guess we can say I blossomed late in life. But the first night I did, I hardly slept. My sisters wise words of 'automatic rifle' and 'warfare' had me clenching my cheeks tightly and having a light sleep. That was until my 'partner' became the one who sleep farted. I was shocked. And also a little relieved. He didn't even wake up from the ordeal, in fact, the only reason I heard it was because I was wide awake trying to avoid that exact same fate. Too bad guys are guys. They can do anything they want, as long as they do it with some confidence, and trust me, they can do anything with confidence. 

Once I became used to sharing my bed more casually, I still found myself sleeping light and praying nothing would squeak out (like the infamous Sex and the City episode). 

But girls talk - thank god, and we were able to discuss that 'Sleep Farts' are a common fear. We even came up with some solutions. They may not 'stop' sleep farting, but they lessen the impact. A smell's origin you can act confused over, but a sound is easy to track. 

According to scientific fact, you fart a balloons worth of air a day. And if you consider how long you hold farts in while at work, shopping or on the bus, you can only imagine how much has to come out at night... 

Here are some non-scientific solutions to stop sleep farting:

1. Wear something tight to bed. 
This means something that goes between your cheeks. For example: booty shorts (tuck them between), a thong etc. It'll act as a bumper so if you do fart, it won't have to try escape from between two tightly clenched body parts, and hence, it'll make less noise.
2. Put a pillow between your legs. 
Again - we are trying to separate your 'buttocks'. If your cheeks are apart, they can't make that automatic rifle sound as they clap together. The air can come out freely.
3. Don't drink something fizzy before bed.
This may sound like common knowledge, but how many times have you reached for a sparkling water, or had a mixed drink on a date? These are the main causes of bloating, and consequentially, farting.
4. Get a dog.
5. Lay on your side or back.
Laying on your stomach is basically asking for a sleep fart; you're pressing down on your stomach and your butt is up in the air.
6. If you do it - do it with confidence. 
We all know women aren't perfect - duh.  We take 'number 2s', we 'fart', and hell, we 'sleep fart'. When guys sleep, they sleep as if they are dead. If they can snore, and fart, and basically knock you out of bed without so much as batting an eye, they won't be any wiser to you farting in your sleep. 

Plus - as my friends and I discussed - men who have caught us 'sleep farting' have laughed and found it 'cute'. Guys have always loved toilet humour. Ask Adam Sandberg...

So ladies, if you're in a new relationship and you'd like to reserve the embarrassing stuff to things you do while you're awake - try my non-scientific solutions and see if they work. And if they don't, a guy that makes you feel bad for farting, is not worth dating.
If you want to know more about the life of a lady who sleep farts, check me out.

Here's a clip of the infamous Sex and the City 'fart'. Enjoy...

-georgeelizabeth

Twitter: @georgeelizabeth

Facebook: /theundomesticated

Instgram: @georgeelizabeth