I recently binge watched all the seasons of HBO’s Girls, and the one thing that became evident was; we are all self-absorbed, individuals, who cannot control others.
That being said, we tend to find people to blame for how we feel. And we somehow think that other people’s intentions are to hurt you. It’s clear, now, that if we are taking a motto into our thirties, it should be: ‘This isn’t about you.’
Shitty things happen in life that are out of your control. For example, your best friend could start dating your ex-boyfriend, you could get ghosted, or you could get cheated on.
And these situations will cause you a range of emotions: hurt, deceit, rage, insecurities. "Why did they do this to me" is the sentiment oozing out of every pore of your body. But the real answer is quite simple: they didn’t. They did it for themselves. We are so self-absorbed that we believe people are doing things to intentionally hurt us, we seem to forget that everyone else is as equally self-absorbed as we are. Though sometimes people may have the intention of hurting you, most often than not, they were thinking about themselves.
You cannot control people. They, like you, are individuals who will do things that makes them happy. Whether that’s fucking your ex, or cheating on you.
We all have insecurities, and we all do things to not feel them. Many times, we too have done things that, no doubt, hurt someone else, but we put our feelings above theirs. Our needs, our desires, our lessons to learn. And that sums up our twenties. But it doesn't have to follow us into our thirties.
It sucks to realize that things in life aren't always about you, and that you can't always find a person to assign blame for your feelings. Who knew that we are no longer the centre of attention we once thought we were. I’ve recalled countless times where I've hated people for doing things to me, when in reality, they were doing it for themselves. It doesn't mean you have to get over it, or forgive them, you can still cut them out of your life, but until we realize that it wasn't about us, we can't really move on.
It all comes down to being an individual and recognizing that you can’t control others just like they can’t control you.
It seems bitter to enter my thirties assuming no one cares about me, or takes me into consideration, but when entering any relationship you have to communicate what’s important to you. Outline your expectations, and if they are broken, at least you know you did what you could.
When you feel like someone has wronged you, it’s important to remember, it’s not about you. When George Costanza breaks up with people he always says ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ and I know it’s a line, but I would take it as truth. It’s always about them. So focus on you.
What am I hoping to achieve knowing 'it's not about me'?
I’m hoping I’ll hold myself to a higher standard. I’m hoping as my thirties roll on, I’ll take it a step further. From recognizing everyone is self-absorbed, to becoming less self-absorbed myself. I need to let friends know what I would do for them, and what I expect from them in return. I need to let ex’s live their lives as they see fit, without assuming every move they make is about me. Give back to my community, participate in causes. And finally, start considering other people’s feelings.
At the end of the day, if you feel hurt by someone, it gives a little bit of reassurance in knowing, it’s not about you.